My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
You Might Also Like
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.