*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
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I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
Story of my life…..
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.