My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
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Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.