When does CPR become necrophilia?
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[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.