I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
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A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office