[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
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I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
#parenting
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate