Lately I have the attention span of wait what
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One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
The only equipped I am is ill.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
Perfection.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
this country is so goddamn polarized
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever