Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
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Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?