I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
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Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
Rather alarming headline…
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
That’s fair
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?