He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
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A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.