I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
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Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”