I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
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*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
Me, in DM rooms…
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys