I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
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What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
I hope this email punches you square in the face
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
But that’s none of my business
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
My Guy
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.