Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
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me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
58.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.