I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
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a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.