I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
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If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.