thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
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In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
*offers Batman cough drops*
A dead goose is called a ghoost
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours