My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
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Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake