Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
You Might Also Like
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW