I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
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having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
True?
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)