*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
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me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.