I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
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My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.