keep reaching for the stars, kid:
You Might Also Like
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
😂😂
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
we’re gonna need another temp
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.