People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
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Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.