Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
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*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh