So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
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My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.