To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
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Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
every. time.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
Name this drama.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used