I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
You Might Also Like
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
🚲+physics = winner
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?