Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
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I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.