I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
You Might Also Like
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
Good news
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER