me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
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a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
craving $300 all of a sudden
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?