The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
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No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
In Canada they just call them geese
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]