Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
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Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”