Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
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I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
Me sliding into hell like
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.