So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
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If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude