peeping toms
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Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
[shakes fist at other fist]
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!