People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
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My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend