captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
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I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.