“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
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“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
Brilliant!
Saint West, the patron of selfies
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.