Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
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My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.