I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
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1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.