You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
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I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.