Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
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i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
We’ve come full circle