there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
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When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing