Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
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Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”