(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
You Might Also Like
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.