Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
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Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name