[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
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If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
How high do the levels go?
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk