How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
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“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
I’m a self-made hundredaire
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.