Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
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Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance